Breaking Inside

The title to the song describes perfectly what happens when you live with chronic and acute stress. You become strong on the outside and break on the inside. You might go on that way for years even decades, but eventually it catches up. For many people this happens in their late 40's early 50's.

It seems there is little research about the effects of childhood trauma on people who are over the age of 30. A lot is said about the immediate effects and how that can affect adulthood, but the health effects are rarely talked about or how the effects can carry on and manifest in an aging population. Diabetes for example is much higher in people who were abused as children, chronic fatigue, hypertension, obesity, and heart disease are all higher in people who were abused as children. This cuts across all weight categories (except in the case of obesity for obvious reasons). In other words even a seemingly healthy adult with a healthy weight with no prior medical history that would indicate the onset of diabetes or heart problems has a higher likelihood of these problems if that  person was abused as a child.

I  have never gotten over what happened to me in my childhood. Every aspect of my life has been made worse by it. To this day I live in an environment that is the direct result of being abused as a child and as an adult. I would like to separate the two things. But, they go together like bread and butter. Being abused as a child made it much harder to see abuse as abuse. It's still hard. I still think somewhere in my mind if someone yells at me I might deserve it. It doesn't stop me from yelling back. That is where I might look one way on the outside, but be different on the inside. In any case I no longer care if I feel I might be wrong. I am going to operate on the premise that I just might be right. And that is the most tragic thing of all that abuse delivers. It is almost impossible to trust yourself. You might be able to if you manage to not be abused as an adult. But, there will always be that nagging voice in your head when you chose bad partners. That voice that says see you can't trust your own judgement. So where does that leave you. If you can't trust your judgement? Who do you trust the abusive partner? Nope that is not an option. Do you chose other people's judgement? Um no, most people are terribly biased and many others can't find their butt with both hands. Not to say the majority, but a sizable minority are this way. If you need examples just pick up a newspaper or go to a political website, doesn't matter which way it leans, they collect will find a boneheaded person that has very poor judgement, it really doesn't matter to them that this isn't a thing that belongs to a single group all groups of people have people in the group who are capable of terrible judgement. So, that leaves me pretty much alone. I have to at least not assume I am wrong. At least initially I must act as if I believe I am right. I can always apologize if I am wrong. Some people see this as being stubborn. I see it as waiting for the facts to come in and in the mean time I am innocent until proven guilty by the court that is in my mind.

And that's life inside a person's head that has been abused. It's a courtroom in their minds eye. They are on the stand making their defence. The prosecution is their spouse, children, mother, father, sister, brother, society as a whole. Every action, every word, every breath needs to be justified. At some point for me I saw this as being ridiculous even if I still feel this way, I can still see it as being ridiculous. So, I started swinging in the exact opposite, but not really, direction. This is where defensiveness can come in. In the I don't have to justify nuthin, attitude. It's where secretiveness comes from. I don't have to tell you nuthin. And even as I know and understand all of this I am not likely to change. I am not suddenly going to be open and honest with my SO because he is an ass.
I am not likely to be more open and honest with my children, because they truly believe that I am usually in the wrong. I am not likely to ever even attempt to justify what I do or did, just because someone asks me to. Even if I feel one hundred percent guilty. Because, I know deep down inside that everything I do, everything I am, has been fundamentally altered by the constant presence of acute and chronic stress. That being the subject and witness to hundreds of violent acts that not only put me in danger, but put people I cared about in danger. I know that the way my children turned out in turn was affected by the way I was raised and the impact of seeing a bad relationship play out in front of them daily. That even when we were not with their father he was a continuing bad influence on the way they behaved. Of course in an actual court of law none of this would be relevant. In the court of public opinion it matters even less.