the whole damn system is rotten to its core

the whole damn system is rotten to its core

we need reform from shore to shore

brave souls crossed the sea to escape tyranny 

but brought with them their bigotry 

They created laws for the common white man

making rank elites was the plan 

They doled out freedom, the masses to allay 

and proudly stand on feet of clay 

They built in a Constitution of redress 

it serves the needs of the noblesse

by custom, design, and with the law in place

they keep cover over their base 

vile behavior to the victims is assigned 

that keeps the eyes of justice blind 

wars of aggression are launched with impunity 

their station gives them immunity

They rob resources  from the poor to feed the rich

wealth comes from hard work is the pitch 

with silver spoons they feast on lies fed to them

those in their service they must condemn. 

and for those that haven’t enough utility

they save the most hostility 

their biggest fear is a level playing field

knowing that their power would yield 

their hold on resources is with guns, germs, and steal

robbing from labor with much zeal 

from a high horse they breath a rarefied air

it is but the stench of despair 

And if the masses rise against oppression

they will stomp on any progression

with whips, hoses, and extrajudicial action  

freedom has never gained traction 

we all must  be aware of the thin blue line

it hides the murderous incline 

even when unarmed children lay dead in a street 

we find justice wears a white sheet 

 

just in case you haven't kept score 

the whole damn system is rotten to its core 

Darren Wilson is a murdering psycho cop

  "Can I shoot this guy? You know? Legally, can I?" I had no intention of reading or listening to anything Darren Wilson had to say. But, since the internet is my playground it was inevitable that I would run across something he said. I can't imagine having such a thought in my head. It isn't that I can't imagine being in a situation where I feel that my life is in jeopardy it's happened many times. My thoughts are never if I can do a thing and get away with it or not. My thoughts are to get out of the situation more or less intact and alive. Not can I get away with it. This is at the very least an admission of failing to protect and serve and at the very worst an admission of guilt.
  I  have heard other things through the grapevine and read several accounts of the altercation that led to Michael Brown's death in a hail of bullets. The claim that Michael Brown assaulted Darren Wilson is a dubious one to warrant the death penalty. His injuries are apparently on the right side of his face, a very odd place for them to be. It's almost as if someone else hit him in the face to make him look injured, but they were a buddy and didn't want to hurt him. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but if you read enough news stories you know people do crazy things. Like shoot kids for jaywalking. Or shoot someone in the head because they pulled into your driveway. Or shoot someone who is trick or treating, you can literally get away with this in Texas.
 I wish I could say I want to see all the evidence, but I really don't need to. I was strongly suspicious of this shooting from the get go. No police report was filed by Darren Wilson. The police openly did everything they could to obfusticate what happened that day. Michael Browns body lay in the hot sun for 4 hours, destroying much of the evidence. It seems no one that performed the autopsy actually tried to recreate any kind of a scenario, maybe they don't do that in real life, but it seems odd that they don't. Like hey shoot a dummy and see what kind of pattern it would make if the dummies hands were up or if they were down. I guess that's too difficult for a government paid coroner and the one the family paid.
  So Darren Wilson gets away with murder. And the death by cop rate goes up by one. And this week statistically 2 more young black males will be killed by a cop either justified or not, but statistically speaking probably not. It will be a kid who may have mental health issues, he may just be in the wrong place at the wrong time, it might be someone who is pulled over and given contradictory orders and fails to follow them.
  You would think after all I  have written that I blame Darren Wilson entirely. But, I don't. These things don't occur in a vacuum. Darren Wilson had the training from his police department, the blessings from the public, our laws that put police officers out of the reach of the law even with very serious allegations. We have a culture that condones this. We have institutions that allow it and in fact encourage this behavior. Darren Wilson might even be telling the truth about one thing, he feared for his life. He has been conditioned to fear black people, most white people have. So, even if Michael Brown was not in fact threatening Darren Wilson he may well have been interpreted as being threatening.
  We need to change the way law enforcement works. We should consider having police that are unarmed at the very least. It works in England though they aren't armed to the teeth. But, I think it can still work here. Police Officers can always call for back up. They rarely use their guns anyway so I have heard. If they are going to a domestic dispute or any other situation that requires a gun and ammo of course it's a well known that these situations are very dangerous. But, I doubt they need them all day everyday. Some officers could be armed for these kind of special calls. The fact that officers need to understand situations from the perspective of an average person on the street is a given. They need to know how they are perceived in communities. They need to understand what people think they are asking of them. They need a whole lot more education on how to deal with mentally ill people. And they need to know that if they are in a vehicle and a person is charging them from 30 feet away, that their vehicle does indeed go in reverse.

The gift of giving

    Yesterday was Halloween, was a good day to think about giving. I actually think about this quite a bit. On more than one occasion I have been told that giving isn't altruistic because the person giving gets something, in that it makes them happy. Personally I think the only reason to be generous is because it can make a person happy to give. Happiness is not a four letter word. It is also a great motivator.  I ran out of mini candy bars for my trick-or-treat bags, I didn't want to go get more. But, the thought of finishing up making the bags and being able to hand out treats got me out the door. I handed out some Tootsie Pops on the way to the store. It was fun. Everyday should be hand out Tootsie Pops day for some it is. I used to work with someone that frequently brought in candy to share. But, I digress. Giving isn't about taking something you have and transfering the ownership to someone else. It is a transaction of course, but it isn't about the material value of what you are giving. That of course is also important, but this is not the only thing that is happening.
    When you give someone a gift you are communicating something to that person. You are telling them they have intrinsic value. This usually makes people happy and they at least try to show that they are happy, they say nice things usually, they are grateful. They are communicating something to you as well that is beyond being happy they are saying you have intrinsic value too. They recognize the humanity in you that you opened up at the very least your wallet and gave them something that they either wanted or needed.
   I don't know of any studies that have been done on people who have had to rely on the kindness of strangers or in other words charity or social services. If long term receiving has negative mental reprecussions or not. I am going out on a limb and saying it probably does not. But, people in this position rarely have resources that they can share with other people. This might result in some issues if there are issues to be found. I have myself been so broke that I couldn't give people collecting money by the grocery store my spare change, I literally had been counting quarters for taking the bus to work and I literally had none to spare, I felt aweful. Should we think about this when we allow the minimum wage to be so low, when we deny COLAs for Social Security? What if the takers as some so callously lable people, would like to be givers? It isn't easy to give when you are on a fixed income and your expenses are calculated down to the quarter. Or should we concentrate on recruiting people to volunteer more? This usually a more cost effective way to give. Should giving be seen as something we require people to do even if they are not inclined? Can forced giving have an effect of making the giver happier or must it be voluntary for the benefit of happiness to occur? I don't know the answer to these questions, but somebody has to start asking. Is the true cost of poverty not having anything left over to give?
   

I do not have a problem with authority

   I have been told this more than once. But, they are completely wrong. There is no such thing as authority. We have laws of course, but everyone has to decide for themselves if they will or won't obey them. Most people obey the law and if the laws are reasonable this is not a problem. Or if something is illegal that you are not in anyway inclined to do then it is not a problem. I am not inclined to rob a bank even if it was for some extremely stupid reason not illegal. Most people don't need the law to tell them to behave properly, being out and about in society is usually enough to teach people how to conduct themselves. The point is that people who have violent tendencies are going to be violent. People who don't will tend to not be violent, the law doen't determine behavior, only what to do when someone breeches the law.
  It is true I don't always respect the expectations of other people. They may or may not have a reason for those expectations. If we have no contract I have no problem not meeting an expectation not even a teeny tiny problem with it. If they have unreasonable expectations I have no problem confronting them on that. I really really don't. I might even raise my voice. I might even sue them if they are violating the law. I did that a couple times and won. Boo yah.
  One of my favorite bosses got me, he really did. He asked me to not do something once, I am pretty sure it had something to do with an ongoing feud I had with an extreme slacker and then "But, I am pretty sure you are just going to do what you want anyway."  Of course, he was completely correct. I did change my course of action though cuz I do that. I decided to be nice to the guy. Well that completely freaked my boss out it freaked out the guy I was fighting with and we were put in different areas of the store to work. Yeah, I still don't know what happened there. But, the point is most of us are going to do what we are inclined to do anyway. We can be infuenced by a variety of factors. But, we really can't be forced to comply. Many people have died because an authoritarian personality type has decided that they should do something that is against their religion or because they refused to convert to a religion or because a fascist made them a scapegoat. Many have died defying laws that were against what they believed was right. I totally get that. I hope that if I am confronted with an extreme situation like that I have as much courage.
  The fact of the matter is though most people do comply with unreasonable requests. We have a huge problem with income equality in this country, It effects everything from the quality of life for the vast majority of Americans to the environment. Yes, the environment it turns out that selfish people ruin the environment. It effects what judges are appointed, if effects what bills are introduced to congress, it effects the health care debate. Unreasonable requests are literally killing people. I don't have a solution for this other than we need to have the political will to change this. We need to have stronger laws against companies being able to offer sub-living wages. We need to have stronger laws against companies and individuals not paying their fair share of taxes. We need to have LE that is much more responsive to the needs of the community rather than being trigger happy.
  In short what we need is not more authority and a not more laws against people being people. We need to have a more compassionate society where looking out for one another is the norm rather than the exception. Peace out.

Hug a hippie today

   Then beg them to teach you their ways.  Because those dirty hippies were right.  Scientists have found that countries with a higher number of people who are compassionate have better environmental records in this study; "Nation's 'personality' influences its environmental stewardship..." http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/10/141023193608.htm. People who are compassionate and care about the environment also tend to have better mental and physical health. Of course there is not a 100% correlation, but when more people are compassionate and this statistic becomes significant then health benefits tend to rise.
    This doesn't mean you have to go out and hug everyone. But, the more you can incorporate kindness in your life the better off you will be. The "Pay it Forward" concept is a good model for this I believe. Small acts of kindness can grow into habitual kindness. The reward for habitual kindness is better health and possibly happier communities.
   I am one of those people who rarely give money to people who just ask. I probably will still not give out cash. But, there are other kinds of kindness. In my city there is an organization that assists homeless people, with shelter, food, and clothing, they also direct them to social services that can provide more comprehensive care. Many of the homeless are also in need of mental health services. But, lets say there is nothing like that where you live. Perhaps give them a dollar. But, just as important I believe perhaps more important treat them like human beings. I wish I had given each person who asked at least one dollar. I don't always have cash on me, but I can always stop a minute and talk and let them know they are still a part of humanity, that they are still seen and they have not become invisible. They need people to care.
   This is something I have started a while back, not far enough back, but a while back. That I would do something nice for other people I usually don't make it known. But, when they find out they are usually happy that I have made an effort. Having chronic fatigue limits me a bit, but being nice costs very little and it doesn't take a lot of energy. It costs nothing to breath first and snap back with harsh words later. I don't know how many arguments I have avoided doing this, but it is very rare these days for me to have words with people. That doesn't mean don't ever stand up for yourself, please do I wouldn't want to see a nation of doormats. But, what I have observed is this, the nicer I am the more effective it is when I stand up for myself. The person I have become assertive with stops for a bit and looks at my point of view with a bit more respect. One of my favorite bosses lived this concept a bit too well, we learned from each other. She learned assertiveness, I learned to temper my temper better on the job at least. We both ended up more effective on the job.
   In Liar Liar, Jim Carrey faced a dilemma his career practically depended on him being able to appear to be especially nice. But, he wasn't actually all that nice. He had to get along well with his co-workers, his boss, and his clients. He had to learn how to tell the truth, but in a way that wouldn't hurt people's feelings. I think he did it in an extreme way and ultimately a superficial way, but there is a lesson here. If you have to say something say something nice. If you feel compelled to tell the truth tell it in a neutral way, deflect from the question at hand if you must (although that seems a bit like lying to me). The question of "does this dress make me look fat" can be answer in different ways that can still be yes, but not in a mean way. Such as "I don't think that dress is you it's a bit too ____" Fill in the blank with whatever you think is most appropriate. For me it's a little to feminine works.
   If you want to make a bigger impact, there is no shortage of places that need volunteers. There is no shortage of charities that need donations. There is no shortage of people in politics that need people to help with their campaigns. There is no shortage of platforms to reach out and encourage people to find it in their hearts to do the right thing, If nothing else start a blog and spread a positive message no matter how small your audience is that one or eight people know other people and they know other people. Peace out.

The Economic Gas Chamber

    Just in case the title of this essay has not given away the plot, I will say it outright, I am not going to be polite about this. Thousands of people die each year due to being homeless. There is no age group, gender, family situation, mental health status, physical ability status, religion, or ethnic group that is immune. The one thing they do have in common is that they face a much earlier death than the general population. Many people think that the homeless are the deserving poor, that is they deserve to be poor. The punishment for being poor is to live in substandard housing or no housing. It doesn't matter if the person is physically disabled, has cancer, has a mental illness, has children, is a veteran, a battered spouse, or a child who has run away from abusive parents. They all deserve it by gosh they should have worked harder, especially those freeloading children. How dare they cost the hard working public a dime to care for them. How dare they be abused. How dare they have a mental illness. How dare they lose their jobs. How dare they have a job that barely pays for food let alone a roof over their heads. How dare they live when they aren't producing goods or services for the powers that be.

    More than 600,000  people in this country are sent to an economic gas chamber each night. Most of them manage to survive. Finding the actual number that doesn't make it is a tough proposition. The CDC doesn't track that particular statistic. Numbers I have found vary from between 10,000 and 30,000 dying each year. We used to have a concept that some people were worthy of assistance. It was a horrible concept. It separated people who lost a spouse and or a job and just needed temporary help, people who at least recently had value according to society and then there was the undeserving people who were able bodied but for whatever reason didn't have a current job. Of course at this time minority groups were always undeserving even if they just recently lost a job or had some other hardship. This is not an unfortunate by product of capitalism in this country it is a feature. It is a welcome feature for the powers that be. As long as we have homelessness in this country people who need workers can continue to abuse them and work them into high stress levels, they can demand an outrageous amount of productivity. They can do it because one of the biggest fears poor people have is not making rent. Every month can be a nightmare, especially the last couple of weeks. Some play at bill juggling, getting behind on one or two bills, catch up then let a different set of bills get behind then catch up, just barely keeping ahead of being cut off from electricity, water, or the telephone (which is usually a cheaper cell phone now), and then there is the food rationing. At the beginning of the month or whenever there is the most money in the bank account the cupboards are full of food. After a couple weeks of eating PB&J sandwiches and Chili and corn bread or whatever else is very cheap, there is a period of eating "high on the hog". I know this pattern well. Even after doing everything that can be done, spending is cut and the budget is down to the last dollar accounted for. Someone loses a job, someone gets sick, or even worse someone needs to escape abuse, they now face the streets. Many homeless are families who are escaping abuse. But, they are still useful to the powers that be. See what happens if you don't conform. Never mind that it's something they can't conform to.

From those that have the least we expect the most. Poor people are supposed to mold themselves in the image of Horatio Alger. They are supposed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Never mind that the system has cut the bootstraps in half. Never mind that most people never escape the economic situation they were born into. People who were born into relative comfort don't seem to understand what a leg up they have on not falling into extreme poverty. Many will wail about how hard they work at their one job. Homeless people often do have jobs. They have jobs that pay minimum wage sometimes a bit higher. Those jobs don't pay enough for even a basic apartment in so many cases. Families who rely on one or two adults in the family who make minimum or just a bit more aren't just struggling, they are drowning. They are drowning while people snug in their heated homes, with full bellies, watching their big screen TVs, complain that poor people are just lazy. If they aren't demanding that the government keeps running the economic gas chamber they are at the very least not complaining about it, they are not seeing homelessness as an issue of economic injustice that leaves 600,000 people facing the elements every night.  Most of them having committed no other crime than being poor.

Living with Dignity: Why Brittany Maynard's choice is a celebration of life.

I have to admit it Brittany Maynard's story gets me. I am writing this with a lot of sadness. She is 29 years old and by all accounts loves life and she had just gotten married, she also has a beautiful dog and a loving mother. Her dying wish and cause she is working on is to give others the chance to chose how they will live the last days of their lives. She makes an eloquent case for her choice to not be called suicide. I agree and further I would say she is not dying with dignity she is living with dignity.

Terminal diseases can end your life long before you die. Your personality can change from being in constant pain and from being on pain management medications. You need to have constant care from nurses and doctors. You can't do the things that you love to do. There is not much that resembles a functional and enjoyable life. Brittany is living her life right up to the moment it no longer resembles a life. When the pain is too much and outweighs the benefits of life she is going to succumb to the cancer that is killing her. She isn't hastening her death. The fact that she is going to die happened when cancer started ravaging her brain and a tumor gave her headaches so bad she sought medical treatment leading to the discovery of the tumor that is killing her. She was given a six month prognosis of death and she chose a date close to that time. She may as she says push the date farther back if she isn't in extreme pain. Good for her she doesn't have to keep the date it is a calculated date based on her prognosis. Sometimes doctors are off a bit and that is alright there is no calendar under the microscope, just a view of damaged cells.

Brittany has given a face to terminal illness. She has helped an unknown number of people to eventually have the right to live with dignity, to choose. That is what a life with dignity is the ability to make choices. It is one of the first urges we have as humans. The terrible two's are all about a child wanting to make choices. It is when the parents and families needs, wants, wisdom, and experience often baffle the young child and they just want what they want. Life is a series of choices if we are lucky. We will try to choose the thing that makes us the happiest either in the short term or long term. Often we are wrong, but that isn't near as devastating as not being able to make the choice at all. Brittany did not choose to get a brain tumor. She didn't choose for it to be terminal and make dying at an appointed time look like a better option than a slower lingering painful death at which time she has already lost the capacity to recognize the people she loves. She wants to be with and be fully engaged with life. At some point in the near future she will have lost that. She will have lost more and more of her ability to choose for herself as the disease progresses. She will not be able to choose doing the things she loves or choose to be with the people she loves as these things are not possible in a nursing home or hospice. They just aren't. You don't make choices when you are in extreme pain the only thing you do is manage the pain if possible or feel the pain and nothing else. This is not living with dignity in so many ways it's not living, it's dancing with death waiting for the final twirl as death takes in it's arms and bends you backwards for a final look at life upside down. Then the curtain falls and leaves devastation in it's wake. Brittany wants to be with her family for that final dance to be fully engaged as she passes to live with dignity up to the very last minute.

Michael Savage Is Sick

I was going to use the whole title from this article.  But, I realized that it works much better in an abbreviated form. Michael Savage who never served a day in the military nor a day in combat is tired of our combat troops whining about PTSD.  PTSD as it turns out is relatively easy to get, you can get it in several ways. The most common way is to be directly exposed to a violent event either manmade or natural. But, there are other ways, seeing a person you care about treated violently so another words maybe seeing your best friend or someone in your unit blown up. It can happen if you hear about an act of violence as well such as hearing your mother was murdered by your father. So fortunately it is not a common thing to get, 11 percent of U.S. combat troops get it, 5 percent report having it before being deployed for combat operations. It isn't so surprising that 5 percent already have it given the rates of domestic violence in this country. I can only imagine how difficult it is to come from a violent background only to be put into an even more violent situation that sounds like a surefire way to end up with severe PTSD. 

According to Savage we need men like him who never served by the way in case I forgot to mention it, to save the country.  Now I personally don't care if someone dodged the draft or didn't join the military. The military is not for everyone, nor should it be. In fact I think it is honorable to be a conscientious objector that also takes courage. I am happy that a number of men went to Canada. In fact violence is not usually the best policy. However, if you didn't serve and didn't otherwise object to the war, but refused to serve and instead say went to some other country and grew herbs for a failing business, then you are a sick person and no we don't need people like you to save the country. We need the opposite of people like this. 

It takes courage to talk about the stigma of being labeled with a mental illness. It takes courage to talk about PTSD. What doesn't take courage is to yell at someone who has PTSD. It doesn't take courage to try to knock someone down who is struggling with the trauma of being shot at, or who has seen someone they care about killed in action, or who has been through the explosion of an IED bomb.  That is truly a sick behavior. Of course this makes me wonder what kind of mental illness Michael Savage has, he has admitted to some sort of dysfunctional upbringing. I can do a bit  more than imagine what that was like having been raised in a dysfunctional family myself. However, my experiences with violence have instead of making me react callously and brutally has given me a measure of compassion. Unlike Savage I will not say he is the problem with this country and try to lay a guilt trip, he is clearly ill and in need of help and compassion despite his violent and sick outburst. I would instead ask the people close to him, his family, his friends, his employers, to implore him to seek help. It takes more courage to examine why one would be so brutal with a vulnerable person than it does to continue to bully and smear the reputations of people who serve this country and then suffer for it. 

One small step for Darek Fidyka, one giant leap for humankind.

Darek Fidyka was paralyzed after being stabbed in the back several times. But, he has recently become able to walk with the use of a frame. Stem cell researchers used cells from his nose to generate nerves in his spinal cord.

It is impossible to say who is happier, the researchers who are not seeking a profit from this breakthrough or the first man who has had actual cells in his spinal cord regenerate giving him back the precious ability to walk and hopefully someday regain his independence. I know what it's like to have that breakthrough in research, nothing scientific mind you, but still when you are tracking down sources for a paper and you find that right one it's magic. I also know what it's like to lose functions and then get them back even if it's not as good as before it's very gratifying. When my symptoms of Chronic Fatigue first manifested I lost the ability to concentrate long enough to read even one page in a book. I can read a few short chapters now. I used to be able to read a book a day. So, there is that. This is one of those stories where I wish I had been there.

Of course I am also curious as to what other problems this can solve. Parkinsons perhaps? The article doesn't say I am just spit balling here.  This is the kind of thing I see bringing people together to solve a problem. Someone has a breakthrough now a lot of other people are going to want to see what else can be done. I hope this means more money for research and that it also means more people coming together from other countries and various backgrounds to solve medical problems that have a debilitating effect on people's lives. Whatever the outcome this story should bring hope to everyone. Especially to people who are paralyzed, their families, and their friends. It should bring hope to other people who will eventually benefit from stem cell research. But, it should bring hope to us all, because this isn't just about Darek Walking again which is absolutely a great thing. It is about triumph of the goodness in humanity, the drive to help others, the drive to overcome all odds. This is the essence of an epic story.

Dreams come true in the world of art

Skid Robot, is an artist. Public walls are his mural. But, his real art is in his subjects, they become living dreams and inspiration. His project aims to bring the issue of homelessness out in the open again, to put faces on the homeless, and to remind people that homeless people have dreams. 

The pictures are hopeful, uplifting, beautiful, and sad. The main thing they want is a bed to sleep in and to not have food insecurity, that means to not be hungry all the time or maybe have access to cooking facilities so they can make a hot meal rather than have cold sandwiches or whatever they can afford when they aren't close to a food source. It is sad that we have a society where income is destiny. There are 28 to 1 ratio of abandoned homes per homeless person. Not each family, that is for each person. In addition most large cities have large institutional abandoned properties that could be remodeled to become permanent housing for anyone who is homeless. Providing housing for vulnerable people should be a priority in a just society. Sadly it is not. We deny people basic necessities and then complain that they don't have those things. We call it a homeless problem. But, the homeless aren't the problem. We don't have a homeless person problem. We have a problem with victim blaming. We have a problem with judging victims. We have a problem with thinking people who are already rich deserve even more even when that comes out of our pockets in the form of tax dollars. The homeless aren't the problem. The problem can be found in a looking glass. Unless you are one of the homeless. Then you can find the source of your problem at city hall. That's right cities have the ability to find housing for their homeless people. They can set up services. They can get some money from the state government or not depending on how red the hearts of those officials are. I am just a lone voice typing from my attic office. But, if enough lone voices got together and if enough hearts opened up the will to end the problem of the powerful elite and the huddled masses being deaf and blind to the issues that lead to homelessness could change. We could start seeing homeless people as people as the deserving of assistance. Rather than those people who are a nuisance and have issues we don't want to deal with. 

I don't do illegal drugs

Nor do I have very many prescription drugs and none that would be the kind anyone including myself would be likely to abuse, because they aren't even close to being the kind that could get you high or low.

So that is my disclaimer. Now for my rant.

Drug laws in this country are completely insane. We have a system where someone can get more time for committing the non violent crime of drug possession than they get for non-violent crime and assets are seized which does not happen with most if any other kinds of crime. Putting people in jail for drug use does nothing good for the person going to jail which hey if you like to punish people and get no change in behavior I guess that's good news for you. But, if you think that when someone does something that is either bad for them or bad for society that we need laws or at least a system to make them not do that anymore then jail is the worst possible choice to get an individual to quit drugs. When a persons life is ruined because they did something that is illegal many people think that it's acceptable.
In some cases I really don't care if a criminal has a difficult life because of doing something illegal, I have no pity for most sex offenders, no pity for the perps of domestic violence, or wall street thug oh wait they don't go to jail never mind.

But, here is the bigger problem. Drug offenders have families. Some of them are the head of the family even. Some are the only parent a child has. Most have very little in the area of a support system. And I might be wrong about this, but most drug abusers were abused as children. So, we have this recipe.

Take 1 child add abuse
Let the child fall through the cracks of the system
Blame vigorously for any problems they have as an adult
Mock them when they talk about their trouble childhood
Tell them it's their fault
Put them in prison for drug possession
Steal any assets they may have been able to earn
Throw them on the street with nothing and no job prospects after they serve time
Then blame them when they can't get their life back together
When their children grow up and have the same problems rinse and repeat

We have the resources to end child abuse. We have the resources to deal with drug abusers without jail sentences and we can end homelessness. But, these things will not happen in a culture where the victim is always blamed. Some people have sympathy and some have empathy. But, in the end it all comes down to each person is responsible for their behavior. It doesn't matter what drove them to it or what demons they are fighting. If they do something wrong because they are medicating the pain of being abused they must be punished and ruined for life if possible. It's the American way.

Me vs Myself and I

There is a war going on in my head. I think it goes on 24/7 most the time it is just background noise. I was going to write about Nick Fulgham and how I can totally understand what it's like to feel like you have the wrong body. In my case I don't really care, I understand how others do though. Anyway it got me to thinking about my family. My family is really messed up. Lots of drug addicts, abuse, so many kinds of dysfunction it's hard to wrap my head around. But, what we don't have is a whole lot of bigots. My mother is though. Yeah, she would probably have a problem if one of us would have been gay or transgendered.

So, this is where the war comes in. Most my family is pretty tolerant. My mother wasn't. I feel grateful that most my family is tolerant and that if say I decided (won't happen just saying) to get gender reassignment they would be well not surprised and probably okay with it. My deceased mother would have freaked out and been okay eventually I think. So, there is some gratitude there that my family is not completely f'd up. But, on the other hand there was so much wrong going on and it did totally f up my life. But, that really was mostly the way my mom and dad were with each other. The violence I have seen and had directed at me was terrible and the scars are deep. It's very hard to reconcile those things. Most abusers are not the open minded type. But, my father was very abusive and neglectful, yet also open minded. He was not religious, he was apolitical as far as I know, he had all kinds of friends, and he wouldn't be upset with any of us kids for coming out (if any of us was gay), or being liberal or conservative, or getting into an interracial marriage or anything like that.
But, he beat my mother frequently. He beat us as children. He would spend the money needed for groceries on fishing gear and hunting gear. He wasn't home near enough.

So, I am very angry about my childhood. Myself is very grateful it wasn't worse. Me is off somewhere swinging back and forth trying to calm everything down. It literally feels like a hundred people are talking at once and some children are off running around playing and some other children are off rocking in a corner trying to make it all stop. So, yeah it was f'd up. And the worlds greatest dad who would tolerate any kind of expression of ourselves and who would play with us and who would take us places with him and who could talk about anything was also a monster.

It gets worse though. My mother on the other hand was a screamer. She was a bigot. She was actually quite a horrid person. But, she was also the victim of too much violence. She didn't deserve it. I really wouldn't care if she called my dad every name in the book and if she also was verbally abusive to us kids and she didn't do anything to contribute to running the house. Don't care so much it would be like talking to a wall if you wanted to make me care. If my dad had a problem with that the solution was pretty simple, leave. Take us with him if he felt that my mom was dangerous. He had lots of family and lots of places to hide us so many if he wanted to my mom would never find us. Or him for that matter. But, that is so very far from what he did. He hit her beat her til her arm broke once. Bruised her face more than once. Pulled out hair more than once. And when we (children) made him or my mom angry we would get beaten with a belt. I don't know how many times. I never liked my mother very much. It wasn't much of a secret. I loved her, but I didn't like her. I wanted to protect her. I wanted her to leave my dad. Or I wanted him to leave. They were toxic together. So there is a war going on here. That I wanted to protect someone I didn't particularly like and someone who was abusive herself, but she was also a victim. She was tragic. She loved my dad to the point it made her sick. I am quite certain that was the thing that caused her to end up with diabetes which may have made it impossible for her to fight the cancer that took her life. Even though I think my mother should have had consequences for her behavior, the things she did to me and my siblings, I don't think my dad should have been the one to decide what those consequences were. Aside from reserving his right to leave the relationship. So, yes I am torn here. I am upset that my mother was beaten. Myself thinks that she shouldn't have stayed. Me knows that women stay in violent relationships for a lot of complicated reasons and I had the same problem. And all the children are pissed.

Michael B. Holleman, 59 is a sex offender

He is the sex offender that John Grisham defends and that has drawn the ire of many who actually understand the impact of child abuse. Viewing porn might not be as hands on an offense, but it is still an offense. Consumers of child porn create a demand for child porn, which creates child victims of sexual abuse. There is a reason people find this kind of behavior sick and disgusting and a reason most people wouldn't defend it.

Michael B. Holleman received a sentence of 3 years. Many victims of sexual abuse get a life sentence. Of course some recover, but the thing is when you abuse someone you don't know how long the effects will last. Some effects may not have a huge impact. But, the one effect that nearly all people who have been abused get is the lack of trust. For some it is an issue of not trusting anyone and they may become cut off from the world. For others it can be an issue of not trusting their own judgement. Either kind creates a horrible situation. Some end up not communicating with friends and family even, some are unable to find healthy relationships.

The lack of physical contact with the victim in no way makes this a victimless crime. It's like saying the person who hired a hitman didn't a very terrible thing. They just hired someone else to pull the trigger. That is what child porn consumers do, they hire someone else to pull the trigger. Fortunately the victims usually remain alive, often with  suicidal tendencies, often with issues of self harm, and often with their skill sets crippled, some have a diminished capacity to go to school earn good grades and enter the job force at their highest potential. But, at least Michael B. Holleman was able to get his job back for his non-violent usage of child porn.

Breaking Inside

The title to the song describes perfectly what happens when you live with chronic and acute stress. You become strong on the outside and break on the inside. You might go on that way for years even decades, but eventually it catches up. For many people this happens in their late 40's early 50's.

It seems there is little research about the effects of childhood trauma on people who are over the age of 30. A lot is said about the immediate effects and how that can affect adulthood, but the health effects are rarely talked about or how the effects can carry on and manifest in an aging population. Diabetes for example is much higher in people who were abused as children, chronic fatigue, hypertension, obesity, and heart disease are all higher in people who were abused as children. This cuts across all weight categories (except in the case of obesity for obvious reasons). In other words even a seemingly healthy adult with a healthy weight with no prior medical history that would indicate the onset of diabetes or heart problems has a higher likelihood of these problems if that  person was abused as a child.

I  have never gotten over what happened to me in my childhood. Every aspect of my life has been made worse by it. To this day I live in an environment that is the direct result of being abused as a child and as an adult. I would like to separate the two things. But, they go together like bread and butter. Being abused as a child made it much harder to see abuse as abuse. It's still hard. I still think somewhere in my mind if someone yells at me I might deserve it. It doesn't stop me from yelling back. That is where I might look one way on the outside, but be different on the inside. In any case I no longer care if I feel I might be wrong. I am going to operate on the premise that I just might be right. And that is the most tragic thing of all that abuse delivers. It is almost impossible to trust yourself. You might be able to if you manage to not be abused as an adult. But, there will always be that nagging voice in your head when you chose bad partners. That voice that says see you can't trust your own judgement. So where does that leave you. If you can't trust your judgement? Who do you trust the abusive partner? Nope that is not an option. Do you chose other people's judgement? Um no, most people are terribly biased and many others can't find their butt with both hands. Not to say the majority, but a sizable minority are this way. If you need examples just pick up a newspaper or go to a political website, doesn't matter which way it leans, they collect will find a boneheaded person that has very poor judgement, it really doesn't matter to them that this isn't a thing that belongs to a single group all groups of people have people in the group who are capable of terrible judgement. So, that leaves me pretty much alone. I have to at least not assume I am wrong. At least initially I must act as if I believe I am right. I can always apologize if I am wrong. Some people see this as being stubborn. I see it as waiting for the facts to come in and in the mean time I am innocent until proven guilty by the court that is in my mind.

And that's life inside a person's head that has been abused. It's a courtroom in their minds eye. They are on the stand making their defence. The prosecution is their spouse, children, mother, father, sister, brother, society as a whole. Every action, every word, every breath needs to be justified. At some point for me I saw this as being ridiculous even if I still feel this way, I can still see it as being ridiculous. So, I started swinging in the exact opposite, but not really, direction. This is where defensiveness can come in. In the I don't have to justify nuthin, attitude. It's where secretiveness comes from. I don't have to tell you nuthin. And even as I know and understand all of this I am not likely to change. I am not suddenly going to be open and honest with my SO because he is an ass.
I am not likely to be more open and honest with my children, because they truly believe that I am usually in the wrong. I am not likely to ever even attempt to justify what I do or did, just because someone asks me to. Even if I feel one hundred percent guilty. Because, I know deep down inside that everything I do, everything I am, has been fundamentally altered by the constant presence of acute and chronic stress. That being the subject and witness to hundreds of violent acts that not only put me in danger, but put people I cared about in danger. I know that the way my children turned out in turn was affected by the way I was raised and the impact of seeing a bad relationship play out in front of them daily. That even when we were not with their father he was a continuing bad influence on the way they behaved. Of course in an actual court of law none of this would be relevant. In the court of public opinion it matters even less.

Jason Fields, 43, of Pleasant Hill has died.

The details that I have read about here http://fox43.com/2014/10/13/11-month-old-infant-found-alive-trapped-under-fathers-body-for-days/ are chilling. He collapsed and fell on top of his infant daughter. His son went for help a couple of days later, No one knows where the 5 year old was for at least 2 days. The people he went to get help from did not take him seriously.

Within the story we learn that Jason Fields had a lot of medical problems and he was a single parent as the mother of his children was in jail. And he had no support system. Raising children is hard, especially young children. It's a very physical job. And with a baby you get very little sleep. Jason Fields was a ticking time bomb health wise and it seems this problem wasn't an unknown entity. I can't for the life of me figure out why he wasn't checked on frequently and why there was no help for him in his daily tasks. I wouldn't even object if the help was contingent on Jason doing whatever he could do under his own power to improve his health. I am not saying draconian measures, likely that would backfire with quicker deadly results. But, surely someone helping to make sure he would get daily light exercise and help him with food choices. And more importantly household task support. That kind of stress is not good for anyone, male, female, able bodied, rich, poor, disabled, no one should be raising children on their own like that. I would really like to see some concern here for this situation.

The most likely response though is that people will say it's a pity that Jason died. That it's lucky his daughter managed to survive and she has been reunited with her mother and her brother. But, I see yet another situation where the children are going to be raised by a single parent and she will likely have just as much support raising them as Jason Fields did, and that appears to be none.

From those who have the least we expect the most

By we I don't mean myself included. I don't expect a two year old to not get into the cookie jar, to not take candy that they find, or to not have temper tantrums. But, there is a segment of society that do expect extraordinary things from two year olds and will make them feel badly about not being able to perform to their expectations. Most the time they handle it without doing too much damage to the child and luckily it isn't the child's parents that is making them feel bad. But, a lot of times it is the parent and the attitude causes a lot of damage.

The same people have extraordinary expectations of people who are disabled. Most people with disabilities work I think mostly people with invisible disabilities, many with undiagnosed disabilities, and some with misunderstood disabilities those disabilities that aren't really disabilities just different abilities. I am not saying differently abled I don't like that term. Some disabilities definitely not a different ability and in fact are literally the lack of having an ability. I think wherever possible a person who has different abilities should have them strengthened and they should be worked with to their best ability. But, I think that the attitude has gone to far when people with different abilities are pushed to be more normal, to function in ways they aren't able, to rise to heroic levels on a daily basis. It is becoming all to common for disabilities to be ignored and for the disabled to be treated in a callous way. In my case people would harass me to my face about my skills being high in some areas, but very bad in others. One person constantly called me a savant, but not in a good way. Perhaps I am a confusing entity. None the less, I think that barring some bad behavior on my part I should have been treated more respectfully. I think that is true of anyone with a different kind of brain or that has a body that doesn't work the way people think is normal.

If it was only that I would say that we have a huge social problem. But, it goes beyond that. Poor people are demonized as being the ruin of society, the economy, morality, and many other things. I guess they haven't gotten the memo about how powerful they are as a group, because I know a lot of poor people that despite this great power try to hide how poor they are. With this much power poor people should all be in your face, I have the power to destroy life as we know know it, gimme money biatch. But, no for the most part that does not happen and poor people try as hard as they can to not be noticed, to fly under the radar, and to just get by. I have seen people be downright rude when they encounter a person they think is poor, it's even worse when it's a poor minority. Ironically some of these people that I have seen treated poorly aren't really that poor, they dress like the people that make tons of money rehabbing houses. In any case this is a problem of epic proportions. Continuing on this way is not going to get people out of poverty, in fact it can create more poor people. How?
Oh this one is easy. First we have seen the safety net shredded. Now it's the working poor who are under attack. There are not enough people who are pushing back, who demand a living wage for people who work full time and mostly in high stress jobs. They seem more intent on creating these low wage high stress jobs and then blaming people who work them for being to poor to live on those wages.

People who are abused is another group that it's popular to second guess. The you should haves are endless. Women who are raped should have fought harder, children who are abused should have told another adult or ran away, people who are stopped by the police for no reason should just show an ID, people who are sexually harassed shouldn't look like they invite it, you know look strong so the bastids don't go after you. There is more much more. But, the common thread in this is that the people who are victims have the onus put on them to not be victims, even if they are very young, I have seen example after horrifying example. I don't know what it will take to get society to change. Some progress has possibly been made. But, I find it hard to believe. When Adrian Peterson beat  his son so many people conflated that with discipline. A scary number of people did. Perhaps some of them were "disciplined" in similar ways. I am sure at least one of them was because he told me. So even if abuse does not beget abuse it sure seems to beget apathy and a lack of concern for victims of abuse.

Rethinking Aspergers

In 2012 Aspergers was dropped as a diagnosis category and is now considered part of the autism spectrum. This is wrong. I don't care if I have this disorder or not and it's called Autism Spectrum Disorder, I have don't think autistics are bad or anything. But, it's still wrong. Autistics tend to be average or below in intelligence, Aspies average or above in intelligence. There are two parts of the brain that are underdeveloped in Autistics and Aspies and they are opposite of each other. Autistics tend to not want to interact with people socially while Aspies may or may not want to depending on a variety of factors including how much they were teased, what kind of thinker they are, what they specialize in, etc... What they have in common or what we have in common is a failure to communicate. I can communicate with words, I am somewhat good at it. I can empathize even. What I am unable to do is communicate my empathy. I seriously do not know how to do that. Where someone might not know what to say when they learn a relative of a co worker has died and that is considered normal. I don't know what to say when someone has a bad hair day. It's extremely awkward for me. Most social interactions are. I prefer to avoid them now.

People on the spectrum are hypersensitive. I have problems with both certain kinds of light and certain sounds. I can't tolerate high pitched sounds they literally make me want to hurt something. Certain kinds of light are a problem too, blinking lights make me bonkers and give me a headache. I don't deal well with fluorescents, bright sunlight is also a problem. There is also that clumsiness. I have that in spades. I can trip on my own shadow, seriously I have literally, not figuratively done this. I feel unbalanced, but I can walk in a straight line, straight enough anyway.


It is a common perception that Aspies or people with Autistic Spectrum Disorder don't have empathy. But, now they are finding that Autistics have hypersensitive brains. That emotional events affect their brains more profoundly than so called neuro normals people. I think it ties in with the problems with light and sound and it fits in with why someone with it would want to withdraw from people. People are just to dang intense. I have found this to be true with me. A day alone is a relief from the drama that comes with neuro norms. And there is always drama, always.

I have had to deal with other people telling me that I am not concerned enough, that I am too tightly wound, that I am not nurturing, that I don't care enough, that I am not a team player. Now, I think I am not wrong for this and I am no longer going to try to adapt to the neuro norm world. F it, I get picked on all the time. I am told I have to I just have to be subjected to their emotional baggage. I just have to hold a hand or whatever. Nope, not no more. They can accept me on my terms or not. I don't care.

There are about 30 other kinds of problems I have, but don't recall at the moment. So, whether the name comes back or whether it's called Autism Spectrum Disorder, the problems remain the same.

Little by little does the trick

      This is the motto that is framed in my office. It is a saying by Aesop whose fables I became acquainted with as a young child. I have adopted this as my motto ever since I started battling Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It's a disease that has a huge impact on every aspect of my life. But, I am not going to let it impact my will to have at least some amount of functionality in my life. I can't pretend that everything is A-Okay though. I have tried that with disastrous results.
    What I can do though is have a goal everyday to get something done that will improve my life tomorrow and the day I am living of course. For the first time in my life I have committed to learning how to cook. I am going to be 50 very soon and I have never been in the habit of making most my meals at home. I raised 3 children on take out and convenience foods. It seemed like the right thing at the time since I worked and there was so little time to spend with my kids. But, it's an expensive habit and I missed out on all the wonderful experimenting a person can do in the kitchen. But, I don't want to cook at home just for the sake of cooking at home. I have a larger goal in mind than that. One of my goals is to get a BA within the next 18 months. So, having some money saved up can only be a good thing as I head out into the labor market. I hear things are tough out there and it seems to be a credible warning. I should worry about that more than I do, but I am not prone to worrying about things I can't change or things that haven't happened yet.
    So yesterday my goal was rather simple clean out a closet. I never would have thought such a simple thing would make me so happy. But, it really did. My daughter came over just as I was getting ready to make some dinner and work on that closet. That is one of the beauties of making 15 bean soup after you have soaked the beans and have them ready for cooking, you simmer them for a couple of hours and you are free to do other things around the house while dinner is cooking. So, the closet has been collecting odds and ends for a couple of years and it's to the point where it's impossible to close. So, I pull out coats that are unhung set them aside. Pull out boxes of clothes, art supplies, vhs tapes and dvds, books, shoes, boots, hangers, etc... I found some clothing that I hadn't seen for months. I found two of Sarah's sweatshirts for Superamerica. I found books that I have to read now, one of them is called Jackdaws by Ken Follet, I already started reading that I got through the first chapter it has my attention.
   I will end up tossing the VHS tapes, shelving the books, and the coats are on hangers now. It looks like a real closet now instead of looking like a hoarders house exploded, although I am not sure in some of those cases anyone would be able to tell if an explosion happened.
  My office and bedroom is now organized for efficiency and that can only help as I prepare to go back to school in January. By then I will have learned how to make several cheap, easy, and delicious recipes so I won't be depending eating on campus food. I will have my food ready to heat and eat if I have a day where I will be taking two or more classes. Otherwise, I have learned to make a breakfast that will get me through one class and all the way home for lunch.
   And that is also how I have learned to study. I study in two hour blocks of time. It's quite a change from before I got sick. Back in the day I could study in four hour blocks. So, now instead of studying for 2 classes in a four hour block. I study for one class earlier in the day and the other class later in the day. The amount of time is the same, I just have to break it into smaller manageable pieces and that is pretty much the way my whole day goes. Each task I do I have to break into smaller pieces to get it done, but I am learning to get it done and that is something. It is different from the way I would rather work. I used to like getting it all done at once, but I can live with this. I can still be productive, just on a smaller slower scale. I say it often as I go through my day " little by little does the trick".